“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while