We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I really had high hopes for this year though
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5