The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……