Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
This 4th of July, please remember…
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free