If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing