Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Pat is about to own someone
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol