caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
calling in to work dehydrated
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…