“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half