[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I did not eat the cake…
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.