dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?