wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
me linking you to my twitter