I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Banking tips
happy friday
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name