When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is