From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’