Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs