In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down