What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that