Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
shampoo implies shampee
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?