*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
School be like
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The pointless tidy up before a play date.