What’s a Messi?
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
channeling her this year