I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water