*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.