A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
just pretend nothing happened
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no