last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Boom, boom, ching!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy