[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?