I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
u spoke cat all this time??????
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.