*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Trumpy Cat