It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.