My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
A Short Story.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?