I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
You Might Also Like
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Stonehinge
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
How does one answer this?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.