[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me trying to look natural in photos
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Happy Caturday!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.