How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Always.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?