if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.