6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
our love story in four pictures
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Perfection.
Well, this explains it:
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts