5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows