So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.