anyone else like Italian cereal
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.