It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
awkward
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.