The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
this is so top tier i cant
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.