There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[1st Row at Beyonc茅 Concert]
Beyonc茅: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] 鈥quirrels?
[date]
HER: I鈥檓 studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I鈥檓 wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller鈥檚 check to buy a whole frozen horse
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Parenting鈥檚 First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there鈥檚 an argument over who should pick it up.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”