Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
What if the weather talks about us?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.