[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Good dog. ❤️
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one