You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
me refusing to leave twitter
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears