M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.