WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Omg 🤣
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.