You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”