Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”