When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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Ha
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future