[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.