[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.